SHOWZ TIME

My internal monologue last night

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 04:24:41 -0400

GO TO SLEEP, MEG.

But there are so many parasites that exist.

GO TO SLEEP. YOU DON’T HAVE A HOOKWORM.

I’m never going to a jungle or a tropical area that has botflys, not even if someone gives me a free ticket. They burrow in your SKIN.

COOL. NOW GO TO SLEEP.

Heraldry is funny, right? Would people laugh if I made jokes about coats of arms?

IT IS LATE.

The right to bear arms, more like the right to BEAR arms, eh? Like people with furry bear arms?! God I’m funny.

IT IS REALLY REALLY LATE.

But botflys…

Que Zeta?

Thu, 24 May 2012 02:43:00 -0400

Los Zetas, the terrifying Mexican drug syndicate, has been all over the news recently. But whenever I read anything about how they, say, decapitated people or blew up an oil tank, instead of picturing these Zetas-

I end up picturing these.

It makes for a much more interesting news story, that’s for sure.

Oh shit guys this is bad this is so bad I have to decorate this...

Mon, 21 May 2012 17:44:30 -0400

Oh shit guys this is bad this is so bad I have to decorate this cake and can’t remember whether my sister is 18 or 81

All I'm saying is that it is wayyyyy too easy to find Gordo from Lizzie McGuire's real life Facebook.

Sun, 06 May 2012 22:03:07 -0400

Way too easy. His name is Adam Lamberg, and he posted pictures of himself with scraggly hair holding a chicken on a farm. THEN MY HEART EXPLODED ALL OVER MY COMPUTER. I absolutely adored sweet little indie Gordo in seventh grade. Something about his Jew fro really appealed to me, an underweight bookworm who wore skirts as ponchos, wanted to train seeing eye dogs for a living, and cried a lot.

The album is called “A Little Albuquirkiness.” MARRY ME.

Bad at surviving, good at planning out baby outfits

Fri, 27 Apr 2012 22:21:59 -0400

In a post-apocalyptic situation I would be TOAST. My skill set includes- sarcasm, scrapbooking, not taking serious things seriously, being clean, jokes, back rubs, fear, and knowing things about history. Not even one of these things are geared towards survival. When the fights over the last can of beans begin, I will snuggle under a blankie and think about the suffrage movement. And then starve.

List of 90's songs my mom used as a vehicle for educating me about domestic abuse

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 14:35:00 -0400

“Luka” - Suzanne Vega
“Torn” -Natalie Imbruglia
“Goodbye Earl” - The Dixie Chicks
“What’s the Matter Here” - 10,000 Maniacs

Though there was not a hint of abuse in my life, my mom kept young me informed about social issues through these singer/songwriter hits.

(The great HITS? Ohhhh no I think I just made an unintentional domestic violence joke)

Presented with no comment.

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 13:11:18 -0400

Presented with no comment.

Where is the love, Fergie? Right here. Right. here.

Mon, 09 Apr 2012 22:10:16 -0400

Where is the love, Fergie? Right here. Right. here.

Who knew there were so many blogs about Montessori-style homeschooling?! Not this girl!!!

Mon, 09 Apr 2012 20:12:09 -0400

(I shouldn’t be allowed to have internet.)

Killin’ it with the recs, Netflix.

Sat, 07 Apr 2012 16:39:02 -0400

Killin’ it with the recs, Netflix.

That horse... is a WAR HORSE

Fri, 06 Apr 2012 20:38:00 -0400

So, I finally got around to watching Mr. Spielburg’s newest classic. It is about a horse who goes to war, and thus becomes a WAR HORSE. Basically the movie is about how anyone who comes into contact with the War Horse is cursed. Here is a quick summary for your reading pleasure- A hot, poor farm boy loves a horse so much that he names him Joey and looks at him with teary eyes a lot.

Nothing gets between me and my War Horse! Stubble! Blue eyes!

The boy lives on a farm with his long-suffering mom and alcoholic dad. Times are rough when you are a British peasant, and their landlord Remus Lupin occasionally comes and makes mean comments. Then the War Horse saves the farm. Because he is a hero.

“Blah blah blah British things bullocks and sideburns”

All of the sudden, it’s World War I! And the horse has to go to war! Now he’s officially a War Horse! Luckily, he gets to go with a really nice British officer. The officer loves the War Horse, too (who wouldn’t?!) and draws pictures of him to send to the blue-eyed boy. The officer is so kind and noble that he basically has to die, and he does. It is sad. The War Horse is sad.

My days are numbered and my gloves are cool

After the nice British officer dies, the War Horse finds the cute German boy from the Reader and hangs out with him for a while. But, whoops! The cute German boy is a traitor! He grabs his younger brother from the soldier camp and they flee. Abscond, you may say. They find a mill, and adorably curl up in it with the War Horse and say things like ”Night night, Gunther!” Then the German army finds the cute brothers, and shoots them for cowardice, which is sad but not terribly out of line. And thus, the War Horse passes through another set of hands.

We are deserters!

An old French jam maker’s bratty granddaughter eventually finds the War Horse. She tries to teach the War Horse to jump over things, sasses her grandpa, pretends she is in a fairy tale, and generally is insufferable. The grandpa, concerned about his granddaughter’s safety, tells her not to ride over the hill near their home. Since she is the worst child ever, she rides over the hill. Surprise! The German army is there! They insist on taking the War Horse, and since they are the German army, they can pretty much do whatever they want.

“Take this, peasant! I am in charge! I needn’t listen to anyone!”

Now the War Horse and his BFF, a big black horse (they may be frenemies? It’s unclear.) have to pull German artillery! Yikes! It is realllly heavy, and they keep having to shoot the horses who don’t pull their weight because Germans are heartless and war is sad. The War Horse hurts his leg and eventually runs away, RIGHT INTO THE TRENCHES! He gets stuck in barbed wire and flails around. The Germans and British temporarily put aside their differences and save the War Horse.

This part is actually hard for anyone with a soul to watch.

The War Horse is like SUPER injured due to the barbed wire cutting into his tender horse flesh, so they decide to shoot him. But soft! What is this I hear? The boy! The blue eyed farm boy! His eyes got mustard gas in them, but he STILL knows his horse. It is touching. The bond between a man and his horse is affirmed. War is the worst. Germans mostly are the worst. The WAR HORSE is cursed. But he gets prance his hooves around on the red carpet. The end. Great film.

Hello? This is me peeking my head back onto my blog. It’s...

Tue, 03 Apr 2012 23:39:48 -0400

Hello? This is me peeking my head back onto my blog. It’s been FAR too long. The weird thoughts in my brain and funny animal pictures on my computer need a home.

Dispatches from the Airport

Sat, 03 Mar 2012 11:51:47 -0500

I am currently in London’s Heathrow Airport, en-route to visit friends who are studying abroad in Italy this semester (look how worldly I am!) I like couldn’t be more sleepy or in a goofier, happier mood. Some highlights of my international excursion so far include-

While in security one of the times (I managed to go through it twice! Doubly not a threat!) I was to next to a perfect French family that had two little kids. They had wee little backpacks on and were wearing tiny scarves and cool sneakers and kept tickling each other and my heart just exploded all over the terminal.
I made a Dutch friend who was casually returning from a three week trip to Bangkok. “And Laos, that whole area, really.” We talked about her boyfriend who she met in Australia and how long distance relationships are complicated (I would know!! LOL NOT) I made self-deprecating jokes about how dramatically patriotic US passports are. We were friends.
I think that the entire Argentinean army is flying out of London today. (File “Argentinean army” under “things I have never thought about”)
There is a sign for something called “breakfast noodles” right near where I am sitting in the terminal. I could go investigate, but it’s way more fun to just wonder.
All I did on the flight was watch Downton Abbey. It is the best and I have so many feelings and all I want is for Mr. Carson to love me like he loves Lady Mary.

I don’t know what is going on. It’s three in the morning my time. Some REALLY Canadian hippies are sitting near me and singing “Bubbly” by Colbie Callait. Everything is funny. Italy, here I come.

Scratch grad school, I’m setting my sights on being an...

Sun, 19 Feb 2012 20:06:19 -0500

Scratch grad school, I’m setting my sights on being an Artificial Limbs Man!

Hey everyone! I want you to meet my boyfriend! He’s just...

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 15:39:46 -0500

Hey everyone! I want you to meet my boyfriend! He’s just casually reading something that was featured on NPR with his perfect dog who is probably named like Noah or Martin. His tattoo has a lot of deep personal meanings and he can barely talk about it without tearing up. Luckily, he is wearing cool sunglasses, so you can’t even tell! He likes reading outside because of sunshine.

If. Only. My love life is stagnant. Like one of those ponds where mosquitos breed and infect the elderly with West Nile virus. I need to step up my game or be more assertive or something- I mean, I’m 20 and haven’t ever had legitimate boyfriend. I don’t know how to be a flirty person. The last time I tried to flirt with someone, I drunk texted him saying that “i am eating an alone pizza so GREAT NIGHT, AMMIRITE?!”

I DARE YOU not to cry.

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 00:27:41 -0500

I DARE YOU not to cry.

I should be getting ready for an “Amurican” themed...

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 21:18:46 -0500

I should be getting ready for an “Amurican” themed birthday party but instead I am taking pictures of myself looking confused and listening to Avril Lavigne. Also, I went to go see all the Oscar-nominated documentary shorts (my roommate thought I was seeing an Oscar-nominated documentary called “Shorts”) today and they were all about tragic things. Like maybe I should just like stay in tonight and operate on blind children or something. Maybe I should just put on pants and leave my room.

My dearest tumblrs,

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 18:16:00 -0500

I’ve been much afflicted with the palsy- my nerves have been so delicate that father sent me to a more healthful climate. I’ve taken of the water cure and feel ever so much stronger! Hopefully, I shall more regularly update this weblog of mine.

you're very funny :)

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 00:23:14 -0500

Why thank you!! It’s actually so nice to know that someone besides my mom and her friends (LOLZ) read my blog.

They aren’t very cute, but Yggdrasils are just like REALLY...

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 18:59:24 -0500

They aren’t very cute, but Yggdrasils are just like REALLY comfy, you know?!?!