XMAS BREAK YAAAAA WHOOOO
While I was doggedly learning to play “In Dreams” from Lord of the Rings on the piano today, I realized that I need to make an effort to be more sociable this break. I need to feel the sun on my face, but for now I’m just going to read about the Vanderbilts and probably end up crying because people from history were just like us with feelings and desires and laughs and tears.
And a merry boxing day to you too
Mom on speaker phone: So... Slippers. Mmhmh (unintelligible eating sounds) What sort of slippers should I buy for your son?
Dad: Are you eating something?
Mom: What? No. Yes. But what style?
Dad: Wasn't Christmas yesterday? Whose money are you spending?
Mom: Mhhmhm (eating sounds)
Dad: How much did they pay you for directing the church Christmas pageant again?
Mom: My reward is in heaven. Anyway... slippers.
A) Full to the brim with Christmas Carbs B) Getting emotional about higher powers and love and peace and mangers and the fact that this God dude I’m into was born to a carpenter and his poor wife in a barn full of horse poop. So humble! So cuddly! C) In love with my goofy goofy family. D) Wine drunk E) All of the above
Peter Jackson to Orlando Bloom-
“Always have french braids. That is important. Your hair must NEVER be loose. Hmm.. when there is a pause, state the obvious and furrow your brow. Most of the time, though, you just stand still and pose so that we can cut to your flawless face at times that don’t make sense. God, your face is so smooth. Can I touch it? Okay… sorry… Oh, and don’t blink. Elves...
I hate that my astrological sign is a cancer because I fear that day that my horoscope will say- “Cancer- You may get cancer” and people will giggle instead of taking me seriously.
Why am I not on Jeopardy?
Why is no one spoon-feeding me pudding? Why don’t Martha Stewart and Meryl Streep just jointly adopt me already? Why isn’t there a chipmunk on my shoulder scratching my head until I fall asleep? Why am I still awake?
I did not have sexual relations with that woman– Joseph
Let's play a game of true or false.
I left my house today.
Treat Yo Self
I got a massage today. It was an early Christmas present that I decided to redeem today, and- guys. It was the BEST thing and also the most hilarious thing. The salon was one of those legit places where they are always asking you if you feel comfortable and offering you herb infused waters. It was a place where regular water doesn’t even cut it. I felt like I was playing an elaborate game of...
New project idea- "En Madea's Res," a film that...
I can't get the phrase "naw, dude, I can't 'cuz...
The idea of Jewish bros will never not be hilarious.
How I spent my Friday Night
- Somehow ended up spending an hour researching the 1958 fire at Our Lady of the Angels fire Catholic school. 92 kids died. When one of the nuns realized that they weren’t going to get out of the school, she took the kids under her cape and prayed with them. I JUST CAN’T. - As I wept for the Holy Innocents, my roommates got rowdy, put on sparkly party tops, and tried to make me come...
I just read an article about lice.
Now I have mind lice. All. Over. My. Head.