Los Zetas, the terrifying Mexican drug syndicate, has been all over the news recently. But whenever I read anything about how they, say, decapitated people or blew up an oil tank, instead of picturing these Zetas- 
I end up picturing these.
It makes for a much more interesting news story, that’s for sure.
Oh shit guys this is bad this is so bad I have to decorate this cake and can’t remember whether my sister is 18 or 81
Way too easy. His name is Adam Lamberg, and he posted pictures of himself with scraggly hair holding a chicken on a farm. THEN MY HEART EXPLODED ALL OVER MY COMPUTER. I absolutely adored sweet little indie Gordo in seventh grade. Something about his Jew fro really appealed to me, an underweight bookworm who wore skirts as ponchos, wanted to train seeing eye dogs for a living, and cried a lot.
The album is called “A Little Albuquirkiness.” MARRY ME.
In a post-apocalyptic situation I would be TOAST. My skill set includes- sarcasm, scrapbooking, not taking serious things seriously, being clean, jokes, back rubs, fear, and knowing things about history. Not even one of these things are geared towards survival. When the fights over the last can of beans begin, I will snuggle under a blankie and think about the suffrage movement. And then starve.
Though there was not a hint of abuse in my life, my mom kept young me informed about social issues through these singer/songwriter hits.
(The great HITS? Ohhhh no I think I just made an unintentional domestic violence joke)
(I shouldn’t be allowed to have internet.)
So, I finally got around to watching Mr. Spielburg’s newest classic. It is about a horse who goes to war, and thus becomes a WAR HORSE. Basically the movie is about how anyone who comes into contact with the War Horse is cursed. Here is a quick summary for your reading pleasure- A hot, poor farm boy loves a horse so much that he names him Joey and looks at him with teary eyes a lot.
Nothing gets between me and my War Horse! Stubble! Blue eyes!
The boy lives on a farm with his long-suffering mom and alcoholic dad. Times are rough when you are a British peasant, and their landlord Remus Lupin occasionally comes and makes mean comments. Then the War Horse saves the farm. Because he is a hero.
“Blah blah blah British things bullocks and sideburns”
All of the sudden, it’s World War I! And the horse has to go to war! Now he’s officially a War Horse! Luckily, he gets to go with a really nice British officer. The officer loves the War Horse, too (who wouldn’t?!) and draws pictures of him to send to the blue-eyed boy. The officer is so kind and noble that he basically has to die, and he does. It is sad. The War Horse is sad.
My days are numbered and my gloves are cool
After the nice British officer dies, the War Horse finds the cute German boy from the Reader and hangs out with him for a while. But, whoops! The cute German boy is a traitor! He grabs his younger brother from the soldier camp and they flee. Abscond, you may say. They find a mill, and adorably curl up in it with the War Horse and say things like ”Night night, Gunther!” Then the German army finds the cute brothers, and shoots them for cowardice, which is sad but not terribly out of line. And thus, the War Horse passes through another set of hands.
We are deserters!
An old French jam maker’s bratty granddaughter eventually finds the War Horse. She tries to teach the War Horse to jump over things, sasses her grandpa, pretends she is in a fairy tale, and generally is insufferable. The grandpa, concerned about his granddaughter’s safety, tells her not to ride over the hill near their home. Since she is the worst child ever, she rides over the hill. Surprise! The German army is there! They insist on taking the War Horse, and since they are the German army, they can pretty much do whatever they want.
“Take this, peasant! I am in charge! I needn’t listen to anyone!”
Now the War Horse and his BFF, a big black horse (they may be frenemies? It’s unclear.) have to pull German artillery! Yikes! It is realllly heavy, and they keep having to shoot the horses who don’t pull their weight because Germans are heartless and war is sad. The War Horse hurts his leg and eventually runs away, RIGHT INTO THE TRENCHES! He gets stuck in barbed wire and flails around. The Germans and British temporarily put aside their differences and save the War Horse.
This part is actually hard for anyone with a soul to watch.
The War Horse is like SUPER injured due to the barbed wire cutting into his tender horse flesh, so they decide to shoot him. But soft! What is this I hear? The boy! The blue eyed farm boy! His eyes got mustard gas in them, but he STILL knows his horse. It is touching. The bond between a man and his horse is affirmed. War is the worst. Germans mostly are the worst. The WAR HORSE is cursed. But he gets prance his hooves around on the red carpet. The end. Great film.
